You know how you have those moments where suddenly something you've been told over and over by a few different people finally clicks into place? On an intellectual level you get what they're saying. You really do, but you just don't see it. Then something happens and it becomes clear as day, and you just feel like saying...
Yeah... I had one of those just yesterday. I had been feeling very off and didn't know why. It was like I had something on the tip of my tongue and I just couldn't get it out. It really was driving me crazy.
Then I was talking with a friend about third person speech (well we weren't talking about that exclusively, but it came up in conversation), and I started thinking about a conversation that Master and I had about three months ago, or so. When we started talking about rebuilding the dynamic. He was talking about how he would like to get me using third person again.
He likes it for a few reasons. Of course there is the fact that it reinforces a slave's place, but he feels it's a beautiful way for a slave to talk. He said that when a slave uses third person she really has to think about what she is saying. It forces her to word things in new ways, and it's very poetic in its own sort of way.
I suppose I can see the truth in that. I know someone who speaks in third person almost all the time, and I've always admired how she can do it and yet seem so natural. I have always felt like a klutz speaking that way, but that's not what makes it hard for me. When I use third person, it does something to me. I can't explain what. It's like it changes me somehow and makes me feel more vulnerable in a way.
When I really had time to think about that, I started wondering, "is that really how I want to feel all the time? Do I really want to change like that?" And the thought really scared me, so when Master brought it up a few months back, I freaked out. I made up some silly excuse as to why third person wouldn't work for me and he hadn't brought it up since.
So when I was talking with my friend it suddenly hit me. It's not up to me to decide who I am to become. It doesn't matter if it makes me uncomfortable or whatever. I mean sure, I should tell him how it makes me feel, but ultimately it's just really not up to me. Then when it hit me for this, I started applying it to all the issues that have come up for us lately, and suddenly my whole world view had changed.
I know some of you are probably thinking, well yeah, that's obvious! The thing is, I just couldn't see with full clarity how my fears were controlling me. I couldn't see how I was allowing that to control our dynamic. Now that I know, everything is changing.
Master said that he has been waiting for this. He has been holding back because I wasn't ready. Between these fears and everything I had been through last year (a long story for those who don't know about it... I might paraphrase about it in another post in the future), he felt that I would not respond to well if he were to force anything (even though I wanted him to). Now, though, he says that I can expect things to change. He's not going to hold back anymore. And I was also told that I should be prepared for the fact that I will be told to speak in third person very soon. So if you suddenly see me speaking that way on my blog, you know why.